music : Pet Shop Boys – Go West
i dream of him again..yesterday and lastnite. i believed thre’s sumting behind every dream.the dreams that told/untold me sumtings…the blurry image but still the same person.that’s what i remembered…and it’s weird,everytimes i dream of this person…sumting..will be follow..next.instinct or watever things!pretty weird connection after the pain.and only He knows..or maybe i miss him,sumone i’ve been longin to see for not so long.i cant lie how i missed his appearence tho he’s nothing to me..but,his nothingless means so much and wud fill my emptiness !*sigh*
haih..the emptiness,lonely together with the a sort of pain and sorrow.and it’s too much too bear.tears wellin in my eyes right now.this entry might a bit emotional.i know. i’m sorry to everyone.i cudnt help myself..and i feel like better i burst all the tears in this kinda share tool of expression.maybe after this, i will turn better.
after a long time pondered,i realized..geez! so many things had happened in the past,where now i start to recall it back.after one by one silly & hard occurances i’d went thru!and how sumtimes i detest and tired to think of those things and not to mention i also go ballistic in sumpart of the circumstances .and sumtimes i rather watching in silence.but, yet i figured out i’m not cure enough!if i have a power to remove certain memory in my head,i wud do!and if i have power to delete this feeling that haunted me i wud prolly delete it!i want to run-run far away..but still i reach the same place.still.wat shall i do?hmm..sumtimes, i think i win- when i tried to think differently tried hardly to change my mindset to other subject/topic.taking sort a risk.but,i cannot fake that deep inside,sumting still still..!haih..muttering a lots about how mylife gone so far.ask myself again wat shall i do?if all the past has left me cringing in the corner,maybe i shall get out from there.i know i can….maybe sumday i’ll be healed… all i can do now.. is to face up as a risk and recognise maybe that’s what life about…!revamp!
apart from that, i also realize.. i’d been a bit stupid emo this past few days.pretend that i’m not!i think too deeply..and insanely to certain aspects, especially bout friendship.yes, i cant deny how easily i become “terasa/merajuk” to sumone..that too close to me and i love.. and i also a type of person that easily “cool back & forget things & tak sampai hati “.. after their concern or give a call..or..make a spontaneous jokes at me!i’m easy person but also complicated & sensitives in certain matters.I accidently feel “terasa” to sumone.. who is really damn good to me!- i dunno, suddenly i feel this person changed.(maybe i shudnt expect things togothe same way as it used tobe) abit strange in the way this person..treat me!well i dont know.and i’m not sure.i loathe everytimes i feel like this.what shuld i do?so,i made a quick decision to ask this person what actually happened.hmm..but, the answer was “sumting”!always gives me words that this person think wud sooth me…ensure me that everythings is still the same.what i expected was absolutely wrong then.haha..i know..dia takut aku merajuk!. well now, i think i’m 100% ok!cukuplahh dengan lawak2..tuh!!buat rasa happy.!maybe i’m not “merajuk” just need sum attention from a fren@a real frenz..!*hihi*..afraid of loosing it..and so, i must appreciate what the most important infront me now!..i felt lots better.thanks neway.i know i’m a lucky lad.
blabla..
a: ha pulak,apsal nak marah?xpham aku..na masak bukn nak makan ok!lom masak lagi tgh kacau2 tepung nie.k la.. p la tanye byk2 kat org len.=(.
b: owh kaco tepung,aku lak kaco ko.hehe sori cik kak.okla aku tanye org len byk2=).masak sesedap tau..
a: yela.sapela ko nak tanya tu?byk2.suka atila.tanya aku mmg xbest pun..
a: n u dunt ave to wori.aku xmajuk ok..:P
b: aku nak tanye ikan2 aku, aku nak tanyakomputer aku nape asik rosak jer?dan mcm2 lagi..hehe..
a;hahahaha..ok2 sila.aku nak masak nie,hangus ti..bye2.
b:hihi.. okeh..bye2.=)
lastly,i know maybe the story of mylife is all about sacrifying & giving up…just for the sake for everyone that’s too close to me.it’d been written to the book of mine.i’m tired of leaving my own hart/hope again-again.but what else i can do?-everytime i tried to grap sumtings..it going far and far away from me.so i pretend like i was so damn xde ape-ape but..yes i am so damn miserable,hurt and it tore my hart away.so that’s issit.it is only a waste to think sumting that merely and definately will eventually disappeared.no matter how i feel,devastated or not..i have to let it be…tho i still dont understand and confused in certain aspect.i know all this paras are vague.i prefer vagueness coz i dont want to tell wat in real.what i told here..noone will understand it.only me..mymind is rapidly speaking..right now.but i think i have to stop…i’m tired..really…..i’m weak…& sorrow!
my longest entry ever……..enuf says.
pullstop!
