*stop the time* for my dear…. Wednesday, May 11 2005

So its begins…..

*my dear*read this carefully..

I hang up…coz i knew he already sleep & tired…finished nite talked with him, we had erkkk some sort of unussual conversation..hurmm..hmm topics merelybout sensored thingys..hahah..nolah its bout life and relationship one and another.!!! do i have to mentions all in here??heee* but, plz dunt misunderstood with me mydear,im not really think bout it!but in real lah kan..we need to know..and quite important thingys inlife,is’nt it?..what ever comes thru our imigination,i do hope it becomes true!..lets dream even my dream syg..!!* tobe honest…i love love love u…i know u know….keep saying that word everynight,every moment..we spend together..!!Ya Allah..only u know..!!!Im really afraid for the time to come.Plz..ohh please..I smiles.. I laugh..i said sweet things……………………I care..i do this..i do that.. but…its only my dream!*issit???*..i wantto cry, i need to cry.Im sorry to say thisway…i feel useless sometimes. I cant balance my emotions.

nite!!

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bagaimana jika aku hilang..?kau hilang..? Wednesday, May 11 2005

So its begins…..

ada yg hilang..ketika kau hilang
hatiku jiwaku…
ada yang pergi,ketika kau pergi
senyumku tawaku..
hidupku ikut hilang bersamamu
cintaku ikut hilang bersamamu
sementara aku masih disini…

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*i’m dead*-hardest day of mylife Tuesday, May 10 2005

So its begins…..

(*hot* electricitybreakdown again*)
Today is not an ordinary day..i feel really2 down…my life is certainly a whirlwind of problems!and issit fair i got this kinda probs now~?i feel i am too young to accept all this!i dun understand this situation at all. i feel like all my problems are weighing me down..over and over..oh please..oh please.. something really teriable had happened….and lotsa of tears all the way..!!keep asking why me??why me??That question keeps circurlating in myhead..Yah I knew that might be a reason behind all this..Ya Allah. I feel so sad..!!i feel like theres a hurricane in my head*so many things..really dem hitt me!*mum please come back!!*

things become harder*urghhh…attacked me all of sudden!

1/4 i still thinkinof my dear,instead of my BiGGest probs!hmm lastnight i just had afew minutes talked with him. aaaaargghhh..i miss him!but i cant see him.*syed*I’m sorry..

3.51pm: i guess wanna take 10 minutes nap.nite*

Thanks God, after a while Maklong send my mum back…but then mum dunt wanto enter the house~gosh!i pray and pray… andlastly when the night came, she’sfinally cameinside!

*my deear just called me*i cried to him…and he keep saying “sian sayang” huurrmm… yah!then of coz he comfort me..!!.hmm.. i called him back..we had long wonderful talked forsure. Hmm..he not only “sayang” but “cinta” hmm..hiks =),more & more… then i asked him… “wat will happened if we continueing love and love and love?” heeee…then, “married, have babies…grandchild and dead and become husby & wify again in Heaven”InsyaAllah…heheh..the i-miss-syed-so-much disease came right on…LAlala…writing bout him, sometimes tickling my tears,This is True mydear,no fake!i am tired &s ad crying becoz i miss somebody. i just did that. its like showing my true colours,right?. sometimes i just dont want to be me, rather becoz sumtimes its too much to bear. too hard to sustain the feelings. i hate the fact that im weak like a dead veggie now, like so lembik. i felt so alone in here, far from mydear…(wish u here syg) i dunno why i feel like what i felt, but i know the feelings there. maybe im too emotional. i dont know anymore…. *sigh*..

HMM..HEADACHE..!!!!!!!!!!!!

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i hate my entry.. Monday, May 9 2005

So its begins…..

i do think to stop blogging..but,blog is the only tools that can express my feels instead of DIARY! hee..sincee i know this blogging stuffs no Night Diary with me..

*I HAte my entry*..sume sedih2 ajer.tensi2..

haaihh…. today..penat=(.. harini teman mak gi A&W.. then sempat gak bought 1vcd Tentang Dia.. and 1 DVD the Aviator.*Alhamdullillah mak makan gak skit..pastu die mknice-cream & also Large Floot…hmm..xde mood nak letak entry panjang2 hari ni.. no English words.
vanilla,stawberry & yam..banana splits

*watched Tentang Dia..*for me..quite OKlaa..!
~kalau kita ternyata punya hari ini..esok belum pasti..~

*to my dear, thanks sbb keep callin me, after die balik kijer.

nite: Pakcek & maktih Pakktih dtg..dieorang bwk sapetah utk ubat mak,hmmm entahlah..aku taksampai hati..**

oklah YM tak boleh connect nape ntah!..?

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tears to come… Monday, May 9 2005

So its begins…..
reunion… reniun..ahaa..

hmm..1.42am, i cant sleep..so,here i am front of this BLOGGER box again!just finished talked with my dear, half hour ago…hurm, i think our conversation was a bit SUCK.I DONNNTT LIKE to be honest!! even i tried so hard to calm myself, but i still with my abnormal..behaviour!-tobe honest, my mood really dem swings before he called,lotsa things bugs me at that time and i really2 nd somethings that can ease those thingys.but dem it turn out to be somethings different..hmm.. blame him for his SHORTERM MEMORY LOST!aaaaahh..=(…and after that small fightoz..i really dont have mood to sweet my words.IM sorry..

I HOPE u remember me my.dear!please…*i do love u to death*..but…i’m sad.

hmm..SAD. AND SAD..LONE…ETC?..*check my statcounter.*bored..really..cant sleep!feel sicks…etc. and also hurt a bit..plus the retarded internet connection!…huh!

2.10am..guess enough. THANKS FOR READING.. =)

*syed* u still rmmbr what u shuddo?

Nite.

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hmm…urgh Sunday, May 8 2005

So its begins…..

*new layout..

i’m not feelin well.. ohh got sorethrout..i feeltired..really…i barely wake up bout 9.00am, i sleep back..then baby in my hp cackled at 10.00am,i got sms from mydear.urghh.. he asked me the question that really makes me SAD. Outside the room i heard mum keep on marah2..with my auntie..!urghh* y she became like that?argh…i feel tired..tired.. and i’m scared… i know with her condition right now, my uncles & auntie cant do nothing much…even me!!!=(. My auntie just kesian tgk my situation, whateva pun dieorang keep on ckp “SABAR..SABAR.. DUGAAN.. “and i just can gelak2 sengih and stuffs and replied “Haah..nak uat camner..” hurmm..ppl just dont really know how worried i am..Sometimes rasa nak nangis jer infront of them but i cant! haih….STRONG!-I really nd someone rightnow!!I need my dear.I dohope he need me too..errhh.. hmm

*i’m really depressed…!!!aduh..

justnow,i brought mum to restoren..she has to eaat somethings at least, but..when i reach thre..she said,”ko makan jelah”..urghh.. and she didnt want to eat at all!*sigh*arghhh.. seriously i dunno what todo she still with her suspicous pplwanted to poison her ,and at the same time my car is out of aircon gas!feelin hot inside.I called Paktih, and he came.hummm maybe tmrw baru nak check kat workshop coz today is SUNDAY, most probably kedai tutup.

*hmm…sorethroat…owh sorethroat* & my dear said, plz drink much2 water, but erk…MALAS laaa syg… heee

then i take bout 1hour nap, but i dont feel i sleep really well*i got headache..dem..maybe i think much. I wantotalk with my dear,but he seems busy with his tuisyen session.Or maybe he dont want to hear the same probs everyday,. I’m scared if its happened.i know..ppl can change,but if he changed becoz of this, i will understand.I really dont want to burden ppl likes him much,tho i love him..but i really alone and nd him to TALK,(plz dont take those words as part element of symphaty) ..Hummm.. And i will accept the change..if he changed.I knew all these were my negetives emotional thought.~just tobe prepared~*sigh*..YA Allah..help me.=(

i become more sensitives..nowaday. and i hope he understand*

*hmmm i miss my boyfren..i miss him. =)

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mockingbird ahaaa.. Saturday, May 7 2005

So its begins…..

hey! and morning. Remember boutlastnight.. ahaa..after he went back from the ceramah Multilevel marketing watsoever, then i calledhim using my RING2 card!hmmbout 1.00am i guess..hee..pretty much things we talked.at first he talked much.. then,suddenly SILENCE..hee..tido..mimpi and wake p back !That’s him!and pelik even die keep on mimpi,ttido and wakeup but still wanna talkedwith me.I asked himto sleep..but he dont want.Haiiyahh….until one stage i just putdown the phone and he called me back, and we talked…talked.. SWEEEETT AND SWEEETT THINGS…and erks.wanna love love me every inch ofmyself ahaa…:P..FUTURE?? tunggu sampai die dalamkeadaan tak ngantuk… hmm…conversation endedbout 2.40am.and with that.ilove u..miss u and mwahh..

and today!

wakeup! becoz my houspone bunyi!and my abang sepupu just called me to open the gate. and.. WTF hell he mad at me! huh…DEM..if he concerned bout my mum..just do something!wat the hell he wanted to mad to my uncle and stuffs.He dont even no the word RESPECt at all.SHITT.. and he keep askin me..WHY..WHY..WhY..people knows..blablabla.. so what the HELL?dont he evr consider how i feel?and if he wanna lend his hand. what for he keep arguin boutthe past etc!demit..demit..demit..AKU MARAH.. and terus BLAH!i dont want bombard my head & my brain with all his shits again!dah la kepale aku pening nak tambah lagi PENING!?

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Haiih… *sigH*..sometimes i really dont understand…really & really..justnow Pakcek came and when mum screamed and halau dieorg kuar…terus je dieorang goout,leave me & mum..urghhh…i feel depressed really. and I called my dear but he didnt pick up the phone until the 3rd time called,he called me back and he calm me.. urghhh..i feel really sad…!!sian tengok mak coz die tak makan or even minum…I REALLY HELPLESS…Help me..Help mum..=(

*watermelon…oh watermelon.

hhmmm…i think mum become really worse …

night: after snaps lotsa2 pics with my cousin, then i called my dear, as ussual we had a wonderful talked…i gave him my pics..!imigination..i miss him..arhhhh..etc. haihhh do i look cute? ahaa.. dont think so .i think the word HUDUH is suitable for me.!yayayaya… then, we had fight for awhile,hmmm its aboout PICS, serious shit i dont want he to have other PERSONS pics except ME!haa… i have the right to say that!its true..in a relationship..what for he wanted to keep other gurl’s pics if he already have me…???iF HE said he wants tolove me..forever?*sigh* i feel sad to think bout it…
=(!Please syg,plz DELETE.. i do trust him..dont wanto think bouut past…urghhh..

i’m not feeling well… i nd rest!..nite then.. thanks for the sweeet moment syg.

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the journey continue… Friday, May 6 2005

So its begins…..and i want tobe with u the rest of mylife.

pretty harsh the words i used in previous entry isnt it?ahaa..

hmm..love is bout patient! ur right..either me or him, must have that words in order to keep this relationship goin!heee..betui kan??* but can i ask who am i to him?instead of someone that fullfill his hart and other those beautiful2 words he gave to me?haa?hee… i’mthe one he want to love rest of hislife and futhermore to the endless time. ahaa..Hee.thanks

i thank agains to my dear, for being the absolute friend who stayed with me throughout my days and my hard time.Goin thru our thick & thin things together… Amazing in the way he has the ability to made me blush everytimes we talked…and makes me happy when i sad…and i love his smiles..demmuch. mwah..mwahh..:-* and with that plz rmmber me…REMEMBER.

hmm..and even lastnight we had fight, i do hope he understand my situation i really to the max of SCARED, but..i keep myself stronger..to face all the things . hmmm..i do hope he TRUST me..i love him…only him and noone will changed it.Thats is really important right.my syg?

and today,woke up quite early around 8.00am. The moment i woke up, i had this *ohmygodpleasegoawaysothatIcanliveinpeace* stomachache. I thought it was a normal one, normal period pain but then urggghhh it’s killing me…and dem sejuk sbb hujan.so,i slow down the fan..and put the minyak aigin on my stomach and rest again.I woke up back at 10.00am and the pain was disappeared.Alhamdullilah.

still the same things happened to mum, i dont know what should i do, i bought her food then she throw it away!haiihh….i’d been busy cleaned up myhouse, bedroom,toilet. Hmm.. feel likes all the responsiblities is above me right now,hmmm.. i had to think much, and i had todo lotsa and lotsa things, from the small things to big2 things, i have to wash all the cloths..mop the floor..fed cat,..buys things..and other etc…and take care of mum!and i dont feel i have my happy enjoy life as ussual in this holiday. I pray for it to be over!please..please.*urghh..

once again my internet connection is liike shitt.. aarghhh keep disconnecting all the time!END.

Hmm..

You’re Element is Night. You’re a bit of a loner
loner who is very creative but never show your
work to anyone. You may smile a little but
sadness or loneliness surround you and other
can feel it when they’re near you. You have a
dark or unusual beauty that makes you
mysterious and you probably have a lot of
secrets that you’ve never told anyone. You’re
beauty is intriging and unorthidox but the real
thing that makes you special is your eyes.
Something in them makes them like Diamonds in
the Rough.

What’s Your Element(girls)? (PICTURES)
brought to you by Quizilla

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alone..forsure.. i am.. Thursday, May 5 2005

So its begins…..

by the timei write this, aaa i just cant stop my tears from tickling down..i just cant. even i had tried so many times. i feel totally alone. i got noone. even word SAYANG!i cant call him again with that word.i’m sad..scared..hopeless..& helpless..i deserves ittttttttttttttttt……i’m just liar liarr.. u know that word… LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!hmmm and i dont have BRAINNNNNNNNN…………….BRAINLESS!!! AND…END.ENDEND!he dont deserve ppl likes me. dont u????STUPITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT DEMMM ME….RIGHT?! easy to just LETGO! WTF EASY…. ITS NOT!!!NOTT….BUT I KNOW MYSELF.IM SICK AND SICK!!! AAARRGGHHHH…NOBODY CARE BOUT ME…….what should i do????even this fuckin BLOG.. THAT I USED TO BE MY TOOLS OF DEEPEST EXPRESSION is now TURN TO BE suck and suck aNd extra extreme suck now~~ and…its justtt SUCK! AND the most totally SUCK right now is ME~ME!

I DONT want he LOVES ME..becoz terPAKSA… COZ im suck… for what reasons…u have to love me anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????????????????hmmm..MY FUCKING FAULT. I KNOW..I KNOW MYDEAR…..if i put myself to ur shoes..i’ll feel the same….BUT i do hope u put bit ur feet into mine…tho i know its still mY FAULT….MY FAULT….but…demi Allah, i was cryin and really NEED my SYED! SWEARED IT……………..hmmmm i walked away coz i feel i hd done it for MANY TIMES.I CANT SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP……………………TIRED IM TIRED U KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????????????????????????????

AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…………..MUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ARGHHH THIS PAIN IN MY STOMACH REALLY KILLLL ME!!

NOBODY…noone ever know. Im hurt…bleed.lone and SICK…IMLOOSING HOPE…everythings. ENOUGH!!! I DONT KNOW WHAT HELL MORE I MUST PUT HEREE…AAARGHHHH WHO CARES FOR ME RIGHT NOW??JUST ME CARE BIT FOR MYSELF….

HARSHH…REALLY HARSHHH UR WORDS……………………………………………………………………………….. HAve u eva think how i feel???AHAHA AND I DESERVED IT RIGHT….??u’ll say that .HATE MYSELF.HATE ……………………………………………………..FINE LETS CONTINUE CRYING. OOOH SHITTTTT…SHITTTIINGG ME….ARRGHH,,,

I FEEL ALL ALONE & NOONES KNOWS HOW I REALLY FEEL… even the words LOVE TO DEATH.. just become meaningless right now.oohh dem ooh demmm..

and i know..i’ll definetely been blame by him. but… dont u know how i feel…a bit. mum…worse and worse. TOTALLY WORST..dont u know?????i am too sad forit…AND FOR ALL THAT I’M LOST.. and he called me BRAINLESS AGAIN~AGAIN AND again…LIKES HE NEVA EVA LOVE ME BEFORE….i really dont know what the right things todo???ooohh i’m sad.

dont u know, mum ran..ran.. and lay at ground..dont u know lastnight i’m too scared..mum paranoid and suspicious someone wanna killed her..aaarrghhhh i just cant tell all… i’m just A STUPID MARON and..i’m helpless to death…IM SCARED TO BE ALONE. LONELY KILLED ME…

I’m tired emotionally & phsycally…really…i dont have appetite at all…and i know you HATE me. I know u dont LOVE me anymore and i dont deserve to be loved. Hmm i know…u can easily find others.and i know..i’m still lone here…here in this house.

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in addition Wednesday, May 4 2005

So its begins…..

i know my syg will read this.. i write this at 11.40pm! just finished indulgin FULIO.. ahaa.. perutt lapar aaa..!!after finished our wonderful conversation…then, i grg that crispy scrumptious fulio.. yummmmm-yummmm…

hee.. nak tulis gaks.. what eva happened just now, i mean the things we both talked…he said,”syg.. saye nak awk..”, heee…hueeemm.. tunggu syg ehh.. tunggu sy! wait for me.i miss you..love u… and mwaaahhh… ahaaa.. syg..syg… and syg.. keep saying that words! and, to my syg, congrates.. coz today die buat kije well..n i’m proud of u,! ahaa… hmmm he just good.. good in everythings. words..works.. and love!ahaaa..syg, dont forget me, remember me..what eva will happened.. i love u..i love u.only u.. mwahhhsss..

p/s: how many lovess yahhh must i put here!???
*learn the word TRUST..from nowon..no more suspicious, and… remembering his words ” saya sayang awak jer, xde sape-sape dah”. hmm..ok trust!trust.. i trust u syg, just dont hurt me again.

*congrates to myself.. final result is already out! guess i have to strives harder next trims hee..

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