finally…. Saturday, Apr 30 2005

So its begins…..

hmmm… why…owh why….why on earth do i have this kindoff probs.hmm..what’s wrong? =(. aaaa.. keep blaming…pressuredd.. and tears. ha… and the only person that will keep listeninggg to this, is absolutely my dear syed.my dear and my love…ever.

ahaa..strymyxx dah ehh?? and i still with the suck dem connection ayaaaa.. wat hell wrong! sabar. ok!

hmmm…noone ever know how i really feel… yah, my dear knows. hmmm and as ussual he gave me advices and some solution for this mess..hmm but i’m the one, that sometimes got the lack of confidents..communication problemo .. ayaiiii…ahaa…how to tell eh?hmm…but. thanks hun.. he is always thre.hmm.. we had.. long conversation..hmm future.. and..ahaa.. somethings that really sweets. YA Allah..i pray for that. and with all that.. i love this guy. muuch..

(agak susah type atas keyboard comp)

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somewhere only we know.. Friday, Apr 29 2005

So its begins…..

hey!!! everythings is sstill ordinary ..he called me for the morning call, he called me after work. and jus the same things happened…every single days… i do love & miss him. true…really true…..

hmm…as usssual he will called me.. saying those beautiful words.. and what a wonderful conversation we had. and always wanted me to give muahs to him.haa… really.. and really..dem muahs.. hmm..!funny right? he said, he wants me..and he dont know how his life gonna be without me. and ahaa… i ring2 him coz he didnt got the ring2 card. its ok hun. anything for someone that i really love. time for me really dem near…. i want to cry but.. i cant. i have no strength. and everytimes i thinks bout it…i feel..i feel..i dont even know what i feel. i love him. thats really true really true… noone cant ever change it…miss him.=(

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i do love him.. i do trust him…but. Friday, Apr 29 2005

So its begins…..

I have this ridiculous fear of trusting people. Yes i know it is crazy. I mean, how hard it is to put your trust into people? Expecially people that you love?

For me, it is VERY hard.

But when i do trust people, i put it with all my might, hoping not to lose that tender thought, wishing not to break it, because i know, once i lost that faith, i will never regain it back.

Despite all that, of course there are certain cases that i’ve came across in my life where you just have to give second chances. No matter how reluctant you are, you just have to. Second chances suck sometimes. It differs from the from first chances, in a sense that the trust you put in the second round is never as much compred to the first one, and then you’ll feel guilty all of the sudden because you did not trust that person just as much.

Been there, done that.

Trust. Little word, big meaning. Hate it when it becomes this complicated, because i can’t untangle the mess, and i don’t think you can too.

ahaa…i dont even know.. why must i write all this…i dont have too..hmm suddenly i remembered..those things. ahaa… i’m supposed to. and i’m sorry.

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hmmm he loves me…deeply. Thursday, Apr 28 2005

So its begins…..

hmmm…. today is really damn hard day forme, i’m nearly giveup to mylife..and feel regret to the things that is totally not myfault. hmm…dem… cry me a river.. i’m worried bout mum! thats is what realllllllyyyy matters right now.:(..

and stupid of me.. i send those letgo msg to him….
hmm… easiest way for me to take things easily.. and want to letgo person that dem concerned bout demme..

hmmm… after he finished his work, he calledme.. i just cant fetched him up! i cant sayang.. i cant… i’m dealing with those really2 damn probs that’s absolutely me feels so dam… … sigh*.

hmmm… tonight, i told him again bout how i felt..on the evening, bout what had happened to mum, hhhmm… aaa as ussual, he will advised me, comfort me… and…love me… he said, “jgn regret sbb sesuatu yg bukkan salah kita”… he said..definitely what mum feels..and blabla..and, he said he miss me…love me… and.. he want to spend his life with me… owh.. i love u sayang, i wish i can … i love u syg, so dam much… really2 meant it…hhmm…maybe nearly 1 hour borak. best.. and end with muahhhhssss… grrrrrrrrrrrrr….

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hmmmm Wednesday, Apr 27 2005

So its begins…..

ntahla…
ntah….
aku tensi……
*ptg… maktih & paktih dtg…. bwak somethings…
*mak still weird =(
*happy dapat hp6600 baru
*syg call…..
*mlm 2 aku call die sbb…die takde card, takpelah..takut gak bill die byk kat rumah, so alang2 aku dah topup… aku call die… and.. aku ade new sim, so..buat die one of myactive call hmm.. haa.. tho, ade skit fight sbb aku rasa lain, pastu aku main blowout je kat die…not supposed buat camtu=( heee.. tapi sbb dah tau kesalahan sendiri so cll him back, and everythings is ok! hmmm syg awak…. die ckp, tho die tak ckp pun…words tu… but, he loves me…and he wants to love me… rest of his life. me too syg… me too…

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he is my every little things… Tuesday, Apr 26 2005

So its begins…..

hmmm…

assual,he will called me,before he went to work..then i continued mysleep..

my probs- mum,i thot it was over but not …sometimes, i fl that i want to run from all this, but… where.. and how far can i go?sigh*

hmm.. i called him, when we was onthe way back from work. then, i called him back when he was having his dinner. hmmm… at first, our conversation was nice, but then.i felt like so damn pressured and wanted to blow out to him. hmm… my fault,coz i accused him not even care bout how i feel.. and neva concentrates and take things easy to what i said. hmmm… erks… i knew i was so wrong, becoz i already knew he was really2 care bout me…and he tried so hard to understand my sitution.. and remembering things, and i know he got that “shortterm memory loss” probs.. hmm, i’mnot supposed to blame him..i’m sorry syg…maybe.. i was so sellfish to myself, not even care to what he feel.

hmm…had my dinner…

then, i called him back…i feel a bit guilty to what i said..i’m the one who started. hmmm..and i should called him and ask for forgiveness… hee.. but then, autie was the one pick up the pone.. heee… “syed dah tido..” huhuhu.. i just not even satisfied.. so i called his mobile, woke himup!we had bout 40minutes talks until my ring2 card turn to RM0.00 hahahha…then he called me back.. we had regular conversation…and… lovely-dovely moment, i love him.. i really do… he said…he loves me at the first sight!and he always think of me…and etc.. to much to write on this stuffs.,,,

end with.. i love u..miss u.. and muahs…

“ayu tgk Kingdom Hospital!..” …(syed)
“oke…ha..”.. (ayu)
“okeh syg, jom tengok same”..(syed)
“ok bye..(ayu)”
“bye syg”(syed)

*click… i dont want him to pay lots this month.

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paste up memory… Monday, Apr 25 2005

So its begins…..

24 JANUARY 2005

die cal aku this morning, sebab last nite kite org vc…then aku terus offline sbb trouble comm & aku dah tak tak tahan mengantuk sangat2… sori!!…then aku balik cj… onthe drive tu, i just ingat kat die, he dunno… aku tau.. but in my mind i owiz think bout him…

tunite aku rase eppy tho ade je gaduh skit2, and aku betul2 menyesal sbb die rasa aku berkire ngan die just becoz of aku ckp cam tu aritu, sebab haritu aku sangat2 sedih and i feel macam he did not want me anymore,w/pun aku tau tu sume emosi aku jer…but tunite aku tak tau nape ngan die.he keeep saying myname till he feel asleep..& onli said the nice words..and i am so afraid, y he playing wif thoz words again…lame dah die tak jadi camni, y suddenly?i dunno… i just pretended to think nuting..mebi sebab name aku besh utk dipanggil or bla2…i dunt want to think more.. byk sangat die buat last nite,kiteorg borak pasal pregnancy…& i wish to have asuch loving hubby… who can tk care of me & pampered me during my 9 month 10 days huhuhu…cute issit???…………lotsa things we been discussed.. and assual it will end by sleep mood….thanks for calling me!!! & time u had spend wif me….thats wat i feel for bout him … tuniite.. he call me bout 2 hours then continue vc wif him sampai die tdo… & as ussual aku akan terdengar die snored!… ya Allah aku sayang sangat dia…. nape aku mesti akan kehilangan seorang yang sangat baik macam dia??? aku sendiri tak sanggup tapi……….. !!! die sangat rapat ngan aku………….. die ckp he cant sleep without hearing my voice issit that truth syedddddd??…
22 JANUARY 2005

arini i’m going out wif dilla… …aku rasa sangat depressed pasal malam td….die ckp, die sayang aku.. but die xsure how its gonna be…. then… ak cam xsemangat ak buat ape2, aku nak end sume ni.. but, i lurve him so damn much…. easier for him to say, dunt jgn terlalu menyanyangi die….!!but, how cud i reduce my feel toWARD him…??? owhhhh mebi die boleh, cuz die… sangat sedih bile die nak mention macam tu, die tak fikir ape yang die ckp………………. aku tau aku pun tak layak untuk die……… tapi…. just wait…………………….

aku kuar & have lotsa fun ngan ila, trying tuk lupakan die…n hal smlm, tapi ontheway aku gi semban, aku drive ya Allah, aku sangat ingat die….kenapa aku macam nie??? aku gi Semban, die de call hs aku, but aku xpasan…. balik2 jer, aku online… i just pretend nuting.. tapi aku terasa sgt, sampai malam…. aku blow sume2… aku nangis…. die pun ckp die rase down,besalah.. sedih buat aku camtu…sedih sangat2… sbb aku sayang dia, banyak sangat persamaan… & sangat pelik, pasal makan… petang tu aku mkn goreng keledek, pastu malam die ckp die rasa nak mkn grg keledak gak…. dah banyak2 kali benda ni jadi..CHEMISTRY? ntah la,… aku cuma leh rasa … & nilah perasaan aku sekarang,… sampai satu masa….

2-JANUARY-2005

today die main snowboard.till weDnesday.. die bertolak ptg tadi, same timer aku onthe way blk Cj, onthe way tuh sempat sms-emailwif him… rrrr… gonna miss him, but i cant say it…i just cant. ape yg dah berlaku waktu betul2 mengajar aku, tho i didnt meant it.. seriuslyyy…. i’m miss him now…. yah, die sempat cal jap mase die kat sane..n sempat msg2 ngan die… (promised not todo the same thingss.. arghh i done it for one reason…. ….) blogiee… this the best way to spend ma nite…wif.

1-1-2005

i wake him up…but then,he said he wants me… arghhh sedih aku dengar die ckp camtuh… i jst ckp ngan die..jgn ckp merepek..n put down phone..:(, ntah aaa… lurve him.. but.. hurt rite?

31-12-2004
hmmm….

ntahla, since last nite, gayut ngan die.. bout 1 hour.. he called me… since last nite, & this few days, die cepat sensitive ngan ape aku buat…. ntah la,accidently aku ckp.. agi.. dunt fwen wif me..:, 2nd time… ntah aa.. y i’m saying it.. though i already knew that i lurve him…most of the time aku ingat die, mase medical chckup pun ingat die, just pretending.. maself.. sumtimes.. aku lambat bls msg die… but.. seriusly…aku sayang die.. i put his pic as my wallpaper kat ma notebook…just i wanna see him owiz..
i miss him… lots…

27 Ramadhan….
Syed.. dielah orang pertama yang aku ingat bila aku bangun tido… aku misscal umah die… hurmm.. aku xde kredit nak cal….camtulah aku since dulu lagi.. dielah orang yang aku inagt… sedih bile fikir…
19.49: die cal aku.. cuz td aku xdapat cal die.. die cakap, die balik lambat hari ni, makan sushi ngan kawan die…die cakap, ti die nak tdo.. die call…=)…

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and i deeply in love…lovestory between us… Monday, Apr 25 2005

So its begins…..

baru lepas solat magribs… and before that, he called me…actually i did called him before, but nobody pickup the call…and 15minutes later, he called me stated..on my hp’s screen “syed-homie” hiks…and what a wonderful conversation we had, he said he was gainin his weight now…pergh cant believe.. naik 9kg. haa… he probably being a happy eating person at home…hiks.. he asked me, what am i doin today?, he said..he thinkin ofme lots today…he said he miss me…love me… and sweet dam words. ahaaaaa…..yah, me too syg..i do thinkin of him this frikin whole day i am thinkin what gonna happened…sooner or later..i do miss you…lots. and he i asked him regular things… what u been eaten? erk pelik… biler die buat eeerreerrrr.. tu forsure die lepas mkn, haaa… lucky guess…!it was right… haaa i knew almost everythings bout him…..even just a simple things…cant u belived? both of us were just too close…to close…and we had so dammuch chemistry..that eveytimes it will shocked both of us…Ya Allah…help me…

hmmm i’m gonna called him back after i finished watchin Kill Bill Vol.1.

hmm, just finished watchin TV and had my dinner…too bored..and i dont know what todo. online- when i feel like i wanna blog something, and before this i called him…using Ring2 Card. hmm…haa.. he was watching Misteri Nusantara when i called him, and we had such a lovely time…eventho i had to speak loud..coz his TV was so dam kuat bunyi.. “you want me to shout,syg??”… ahaa…!!hmm….i miss hiimso much…dam much…he asked me to call him back later for gudnite wish. yah..”i’ll wish u gud nite.. mwahhh… :*syg”…

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my wish. Monday, Apr 25 2005

So its begins…..

my hart whispering…i do love to write bout him, even if oneday if i loosed him or i had todoit,at least allthis will still remind me to him..losed?what am i saying is really bullshit to myself. coz i dont even want to lose someone that i really damn love.but what am i tryin to put here is what i really feel..i expressed it thru words..he is one of my priority..he is my precious.definitely hun..

and right now..i was looking at this pink rose on my table…i keep waiting for it to bloom but itseem…not to : (…keep waiting.

he’s words is really powerful, to ease everythings that i eva wonder..when he said i love you..i miss you..sayang…i know he just not only said those beautiful words, but do mean it. he is my inspirations.. he guide me..he gave me guts to keep facing everythings hard in mylife, gimme those strength..he is what i am now… as what he said to me .. “ur a evrything and part of my hart…” and its goes the same tome…absolutely!*but… i just cant promise……..but i always pray for us.

time..to time…. thats what i freak’ scared!nomatter how’s it goes.. i have to be strong… i love him… nomatter what…even…until after that time…hmmm………..

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hmmm Sunday, Apr 24 2005

So its begins…..

hmmm..first of all.. it’s not really happy sunday forme…things are gettin worst~hmm, i called paktih and i call him… and he comfort me…he said, if he got car now, he’ll came to myhouse.. accompany me for the rest of the day… and he dont want to let me feel this way… hmm, yah rite syg… i wish it can be truth..hmm.. he was so dam nice to me..:)..

with all the probs, i became totally sick & pening. and tired. i dont even can take it anylonger any ofit even i had to..ahaa..:( ..but he calm me… “tenang ayu..tenang..” and. remember i always there wif u… ur not alone.. we can face it together.. dem… i just cant helpit the way he did told me.. his words.. even i know his good in words..and kinda sweet talker.. but, i really sure he did mean it..from his hart…

thanks God when paktih,maktih & kakeda came to my house. at least…i can realease abit to them, told them what really happened.everything that cant even make a sence.

hmmm nite. blackout.. it scared mum & mme.. so we went to paktih’s house..hmm somethin that happened bfore that,really terrified me to death… hmmm

forget to mention, we had a lil fight before that, hmm.. myfault.. but.. he just asked me bout mypast..keep..askn me..those quest.. enough for me to tell part of it, not more. hmmm.. i do have some probs..when i suddenly remembered.. those past wif him..he love me..yet he hurt me…then..love me.. but at last.. i got what i want. love him & he loves me…only me.

haaa… when i was in rumah paktih, he calledme.. erk.s.. then… he called bck just to say “i missyou”…hmm… before i sleep, i called him.. and he called me back. and have to “gud nite.love u..miss u… mwaahh.. :* ” wonderful…

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